there's a blaze of light in every word
by greyrooms
Summary: "And all he can do is mutter a soft-spoken "Hallelujah" under his breath, because he knows that he's got her."  collection of short Bade drabbles, inspired by Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"  second chapter up&completed on 6/23
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** there's a blaze of light in every word

**Summary:** "And all he can do is mutter a soft-spoken "Hallelujah" under his breath, because he knows that he's got her." (collection of short Bade drabbles, inspired by Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah")

**Disclaimer:** I don't own shit but hoes and tricks

**A/N:** There's a million covers of "Hallelujah" out there and all of them are beautiful. I really recommend looking up the unsung verses because they are beautiful! (and that's where the title came from.)

Oh, and about the rating- there's a very-close-to-sexual scene and one naughty swear word.

Anyway, Jade's really hard to write, but I didn't wanna write another one-sided. She's a little out-of-character but I'd like to think that she's more fragile and gentle and broken around Beck. The fourth paragraph is my favorite. ;) It was my first time writing anything remotely smutty so I went a little overboard, haha. I always write too much in these authors notes. Does anyone actually read them? Is it like a fanfic turn-off? I dunno, just enjoy the story, Bade fans. :D

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><p>She remembers the first day she laid eyes on him, walking into Sikowitz's class. He was the "new guy" that everyone was talking about- not even nervous, just the calmest thing. Her heart fell to her stomach as she admired his skin, creamy and the same color as a mocha latte, and she desired in a way she never had never felt before. He glanced at her with his head held high, and half-smiled mysteriously as he noticed her pale cheeks turn rosy instantly. She thought that her heart was the hardest it could be, so tough no one could make any impact or do any damage. But there he was in front of her and she was already a shy, sweet girl with not just an attraction, a desire, a <em>lust<em>. She had never believed in fairy tales, but one look from him had made her weak in the knees, falling head over heels. All of the sudden she had a heart of gold and needed his attention, his love, his affection, anything from him, no matter how hard she resisted. She always thought it was nonsense, and the butterflies in her stomach disgusted her. Staring at his handsome face and wanting to kiss him right then and there, all she could do was mumble was an awe-struck "Hallelujah," and do whatever she could to make him hers.

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><p>The morning after she left him, she woke up to the cold air rather than the smell of hot coffee. It was eighteen minutes after ten and he usually called her to wake her up for school; she had forgotten, coffee and a sweet-sounding "good morning, love" wouldn't be happening anymore. She doesn't remember how long it took for her eyes to feel heavy and eventually fall into sleep, but she knows that she only dreamt of the last time she saw him, their words replaying again and again. She got to school late and was just so exhausted she actually went without her stimulants for the day, hiding her tired face with makeup.<br>The morning after she left him, he almost called her to wake her up. She haunted him in his dreams, and her soft touch felt so real it was like torture. But he showed no signs of weakness. It's who he is. But he found himself reaching out for her hand sometimes and feeling nothing but cold air pass by instead of her warm hand in his. He had forgotten that sneaking out of his classes to meet her after her own wouldn't be happening anymore.  
>They had both been acting so much they had forgotten what real feelings were like. But the lingering emptiness in the air quickly lets them grasp the cold, empty reality of loneliness.<br>They had both forgotten what it was like to show _real_ feelings, and the split second when their eyes met, they both actually thought they saw a person who didn't love them. Who meant nothing to them.

"It has to be this way." is what he said to her when she nervously asked, or maybe demanded, his forgiveness.

But those last words sunk in during the sleepless nights in their own cold beds that were too far apart. And, hallelujah, the two loved each other just enough that there was no way for it not to work out in the end. It didn't have to be that way. Hallelujah.

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><p>She parks her car outside of his house and is unaware of how she even got there, the past few hours being blurred from fog and rain and tears. She steps outside and he's there in a matter of seconds, reaching for her hands and saying "Babe, let's get out of the lightning," but his voice barely reaches her.<p>

"Hey… what's wrong?' he said softly once they got inside, and she pulled away from him.

"Just leave me alone." she mumbled.

"Jade, please, just look at me." It wasn't just the rain on her skin that made him feel like she was slipping away from him, she was being threatened by a darkness that wanted to take her. He grabbed her shoulders and she wilted into him, her eyes filled to the brim with tears daring to spill over.

"Say you love me." she urged.

"I love you." he replied quickly, not wanting to try her patience with talk of magic words.

It wasn't the first time they had been here. Jade always came to him when she was drowning in the sea of sadness, and he somehow ended up drowning in it too as he tried to rescue her.

"Everything's gonna be alright, okay?" he insisted.

She had closed her eyes and a tear escaped, as she gathered the courage to say what she wanted.

"Thank you… for being so patient with me. I know you're trying… really, really hard for me."

He had nothing to say, he just nodded as he looked at the strength burning inside her. He didn't ask what was wrong, most of the time it was nothing, and he knew it made her feel silly to admit that, so he stayed silent. She wasn't embarrassed to be vulnerable around him, and he took that responsibility.  
>He watched as she slowly and sadly took her cold, wet clothes off and stood in front of him as if she had just peeled back her skin and showed him the bones underneath. She showed him all the sadness, the darkness, the weakness, her beating heart and pulsing veins. And he accepted all of them, he accepted her as a whole and loved every inch of her body, her sickness, her emptiness. She loved him with all the madness in her soul. When the glorious sadness broke her and brought her to her knees, his patience was the needle and his love was the thread that stitched her back together. Even when she was empty, he saw so much in her.<br>She light put her hand on his face and kissed him softly, and although she felt untouchable he wrapped his arms around her and a wave of comfort and security washed over her.

"Please.. Forgive me." she whispered in his ear.

"Of course. I love you." he said, smoothing her hair back. The tension of silence and sadness surrounded them, hung in the air and haunted them as Jade pulled Beck's shirt over his head, prepared to thank him in the best way she knew how.  
>All he wanted was to make it go away, but he didn't know how to help, and he put a little more life in her cold body with his broken hallelujah.<p>

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><p>They were fighting again, in his RV. Jade had started it, as she usually does, it was always something he said or something he did that she had to blow out of proportion just for the sick thrill. She loved it. She thrived on the tension, she loved the feeling of heated blood through her veins, she loved the loud pulse of her heartbeat in her ears, and most of all, she loved seeing him get angry at her. Running his fingers through his hair, he turned around and angrily punched the cabinet, his knuckles getting hot afterwards. He tried to keep up with the "cool, calm" façade during school, but alone with her, he could always peel that away.<p>

"Do I even mean anything to you!" she yelled at him, a phrase she pulled out every once in a while, just to push his buttons and boil his blood.

He stormed at her, grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the back of the door above her head, slamming a little bit too hard, because she had taken this argument too far.

"You mean everything to me," he said with furious eyes locked with hers, ready to give in to his most animalistic desires.

She bit her lip, trying to hide her satisfied smirk, and she knew what came next. His lips came crashing down on hers and he bit down on her lips until she couldn't speak anymore, couldn't say any of her hurtful words or start any petty arguments. He moved down to her neck, biting hard, intending on leaving a mark. He wish he could give her something more permanent than bruises, tattoo his name on her forehead and kiss her everywhere possible so no one except him could ever touch her. He knew that tomorrow morning she'd admire the bruises as if they were trophies.  
>In return, she ripped his shirt over his head, digging her nails into his back and clawing at his skin, the pleasure of pain seeping down to his bones. They were just so angry at each other but they loved each other so much, they wanted to shred each other to pieces because they wanted to hurt each other and they knew it would make the other happy.<br>She bites his lip as she kisses him, feeling either sweat or blood drip down his spine. His unshaved face scratched her own soft cheeks, and the friction and the taste of blood on her lips excites her.  
>He runs his hands down her body, slowly past her soft arms, down her arched back and examining every curve of her waist and hips. He was strong and handsome and she was fragile and pale, and after the arguing stunt she pulled, she will let him do whatever he pleases. He was always labeled as the masochist for putting up with her, but in privacy, he let out all the frustration as a living, breathing sadist. She was never gentle with her words, he was never gentle with her body. And now it was his turn to enjoy the fury, the energy, the passion, the anger.<br>They paused for a moment and created space between them, smiling with heaving chests, damaged bodies, and hungry eyes. Halle-fucking-lujah they were in love, because they loved how much it hurt.

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><p>The light of a September sunset filled the air, a luxury he could never encounter from the tinted windows of his RV. The slanted light spilled on her pale skin like orange paint on a white canvas, contrasting with the green grass below their backs.<br>They both take a moment, his brown eyes lock with her blue ones and he swims in them and drinks the sunlight in her skin. They don't move, they don't speak. At that moment he is the center of her universe and she is the center of his. The feelings overwhelm them, love, warmth, desire, passion, they get under their skin, dig roots in their bones.  
>And all that she feels she leaves unsaid, but she knows that he knows about them. Like how he got to a part in her heart she didn't even know she had, and that no one will ever again touch. How lying next to him bantering was better than any heaven she could ever imagine. How he had gripped her by the soul and refused to let go.<br>He was everything she never could be, and vice versa- they were a package deal, really. Where she lacks compassion, he kills with kindness and sweetness and humanity. When he lacks strength, she is the first to speak up for him, and say the things she knows he can't.  
>Sometimes she wonders how she ever fell in love with someone like him. How he stole her heart without her permission, and held it gently in his hands, while she clutched his with desperation. She was a strong girl until he came around, yet one look from him and she would give him her soul, body, attention, everything there is to her. If he was one of her downfalls, why was he so good to her?The feeling of her breath crawling across his cheek brought him back to reality.<p>

"If ever," she mumbled sleepily," If ever there was a moment where I could completely freeze time… you know, stand still and everything… it'd be right now."

He kissed the side of her head, unable to think of how it could get any better than that.

"Why can't we just stay here, Jade… grow old?" he said, fully prepared to hold her there until they both died, and meet on the other side.

"Let's just… breathe."

However, the moment passes, and the sun refuses to stop setting.  
>And all he can do is mutter a soft-spoken "Hallelujah" under his breath, because he knows that he's got her.<p>

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><p>...And now that I'm publishing this I've got more ideas. Second chapter, yesno?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** STILL OWN NOTHIN

**A/N:** Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the first chapter, here is your sequel! And it only took me a week, I love being out of school. :) This is gonna be the last chapter, though. I actually meant to have five segments like the last one, but the first one is so long and I'm completely out of ideas. I don't know how I feel about these, but I had a nice time writing them. I just feel like they're different from the first ones, for some reason, and I don't like inconsistency. I hope you like them, though!

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><p>"I'll be outside your house in ten." his spontaneous text message said. Jade sighed and half-smiled, wondering what he had in store for her that day. She stepped outside her house and sat on the porch steps. It was 3:14 in the afternoon but cold and unusually rainy for Los Angeles, the sky was dark as if the sun had left the earth. She swore she could see the breaths she took in the cold air. She spends a few minutes inside her own head, wanting him to be there to distract her, and then there he is, right in front of her.<p>

"Are you ready? The road is waiting patiently for us." he said. He stood tall and proud and looked down at her, but his rugged appearance paired with his sweet smile made him anything but intimidating. And handsome as he may be, Jade is always the slightest bit hesitant to give in to his embrace. The familiar scent of his denim jacket made his arms feel like home.

"Where are we going?" she asks him as she reaches for his hand just for the short walk to his car.

"Anywhere. Nowhere. Everywhere." Late night drives were something they both loved, especially the ones with no destination- just the two of them, music, and a full tank of gas. He quickly got out of the city and onto the empty back roads where they never came across any cars.

"It feels like we're the only two people on the Earth right now." Jade says.

"Who says we're not?" he replies, and gets a smile from her. Not the forced, sarcastic smile that she gives their friends, the free-flowing grin that only he had ever seen, the smile that barely lets him focus on the road. Soon the moonlight breaks through the clouds and illuminates the sky, and Beck has to pull over because of the rain coming down like sheets.

They wait and sit in the front seat, admiring the lightning as if it was fireworks.

"Come on." Beck says, opening his car door and is already soaking wet by the time he opens hers.

"What are you doing?" she says, her eyes wide.

"Come on, the rain's fun."

And she gets out of the car, startled at first by the way the rain pierced her skin, but she enjoys the way she can't tell if it's hot or cold.

And Beck turns the radio to a slow, sweet song, loud enough for them to hear over the thunder. He stands in front of Jade, holding his hands out for her to take, and she does. The headlights are their spotlight as they begin to dance, awkwardly at first, as he slowly moves her hands in circles. A small smile creeps on her face as she interlaces their fingers and puts one arm around him, rocking back and forth. She laughs as he tries to spin her around and her smile fades as he pulls her body closer.

"You were never that good at dancing." Jade said as she rests her chin on his shoulder as the rain slows. It's as if her body is meant for his, and there was nothing she needed more but for them to be the only people on Earth.

She pulls back and looks at his sad, dark eyes and the moonlight reflecting in them and he can't help but kiss her, bend her backwards over the slick hood of his car and she arches her back to get closer to him.

"Take me." she says before a sharp inhale as his arms squeezed her waist.

"I'm yours." he replies, feeling her smile in his kiss.

His strong, rough hands wander down every inch of her soft skin. Being in such close proximity to her makes it hard for both of them to control themselves. And they long to pursue each other in the vast, open space, only interrupted by the occasional raindrop.

The presence of his body tears at her, and her curves simply drive him crazy. And every exhale of his name from her mouth sounded like hallelujah.

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><p>He remembers the first time he said "I love you" to her. It may have been empty at that point, since he barely even knew her- could it have been love, that kept them together? Security, comfort, or maybe just friendship? At that point in their lives they were best friends, but still complete strangers, and persistent opposites. People look into his eyes and see right through them, and he's happy to share his thoughts, his feelings, his past. People take one look at Jade's eyes and see darkness, an emptiness that pierces them and makes them turn away. Because everyone sees Jade's eyes, but no one looks behind them like he does. He longed to figure out her secrets, who she really is.<p>

She had fallen asleep in his bed, and he watched the occasional flutter of her eyelashes and rare curl of the corners of her lips that he longed to kiss.

And he knew that it will be a while before she lets him in, if she even gave him permission to get close to her. If she ended up building more walls, then he would be prepared for the best climb of his life if it meant being greeted with the hallelujah of a forever with her on the other side.

She is precisely the girl that he was told to stay away from, she fit the mold of everything he ought not to desire. And he did try to resist her so badly, because he knew they would do no good for each other. He tried to resist her for as long as he could bear it, but just the slightest roll and he fell into that hole in her heart and all of a sudden the rest of his life was devoted to finding the formula to her laughter.

If only she could let the mask slip, just a little, the opportunity could be the sweetest mistake she ever made.

"Hey, Jade, I love you," he whispered in her ear, "You sure are somethin' else."

And his courage slowly builds as he climbed into bed with her, his legs brushing against hers. He dreamt of kissing her cherry red lips, touching every inch of her pale skin and enveloping her small, soft hands in his own. He wants to memorize every inch of her body, name the demons of her past and then just hope that his embrace could help her overcome them. And although Beck is patient and kind, the night is restless and all he can think is "_I wish you would hurry up and be mine."_

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><p>"You sure it's okay that I go to the party?"<p>

"Of course." _Of course not._

"And you'll be fine here?"

"Yeah." _No._

It's times like these Jade silently curses at herself for being an actress and curses at him for not noticing. She knows it's wrong, she knows she's being complicated, she knows he'd understand just as well if she had said "Don't go, please, I need you here." But something keeps her from saying that- _I'm testing him_, is what she tells herself- and he just failed.

He leaves his RV and her goodbye sounds a little more sad than she wanted it to be.

Her mind immediately starts to wonder at the click of the lock. As if it was right before her eyes, she saw Beck and Tori, eyes locking from across the room. She saw his hands touch her body. She felt the heat radiate off of them. She saw him lick Tori's lips like he had done to her only hours before, she saw her fingers clench into his shoulders. She smelled the fresh, crisp notes of his cologne, she smelled her residual flowery perfume. She saw him whisper in her ear, she watched the shivers slowly down each vertebrae of her spine. She smelled the whiskey on his breath as Tori pulled an intoxicated hallelujah from his body. And Jade's eyes burned and her throat ached, because the kisses he gave her should be her own, and she doesn't like to share. The torturous infidelity made her contemplate sending him a quick message or phone call to simply to remind him of the girl waiting so patiently in his bed. She quickly decides against it as she sees the lights of his car dance across the room. She stands up when he enters as if the president had just walked into the room, and they are face to face.

"The party wasn't that great after all. Besides, I'd rather be here."

She wants to call him a liar, she wants to slap his face, she wants to call him a cheater and tell him to go to hell and call him a bastard and say she hates him and call him every bad word she has in her vocabulary.

And then she sighs and her mouth unwillingly forms a slight smile when she realizes what she saw was simply a figment of her imagination.

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><p>"What are we, 80?" Jade had bitterly replied when Beck suggested a "Sunday morning drive"- but something about his mysterious smirk lured her into the front seat of his car.<p>

"Drive faster. I _dare _you." she said boldly, the five words that would haunt him forever. He was always reckless when he was driving, and both of them loved the rush. He loved kissing her at stop signs and holding the wheel with only one hand because she was absentmindedly twirling his rings around his fingers.

The crash happened in slow motion, he remembers- their bodies bouncing, their heads whipping, the windshield cracking. He could draw out the patterns of his broken windows and paint the blood hanging from Jade's neck like the red curtain of a stage.

"Jade," her name slipped from his bruised mouth as he was shaking it out in the front seat, "Are you alright?" he asked, not wanting to hear the truth, but just her voice. "C'mon, Jade, talk to me. It's gonna be okay," he said, although he was the one crying, "Breathe. Open your eyes. Do something, please, damnit! It's over now, you just bumped your head, babe. C'mon, Jade, don't do this to me! Damnit! Don't do this, please, come back!"

And her body was numb, she didn't feel anything as he kissed her cheek.

He got out of the mutilated car, sobbing in rage and nearly tore his hair out of his skull on the pavement next to the passenger side door. He looked at his love as she slowly opened her eyes- but her eyes were not the bright, icy pools of blue he was used to- they were a faded, somber hue.

And there was never a more beautiful sound than when she said his name.

"Beck? Beck, I'm scared." she said softly, her voice shaking.

And he heard a hallelujah chorus and saw what he thought were angels approaching them, which ended up being ambulances.

"It's okay, love, it's over now."

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><p>HO MAN, what's up with that ending? I don't even know, and I wrote it!<p>

Are they... dead? They're not dead, are they? :O

I'm sorry it's so dark, I dunno what came over me when I wrote that.

Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Definitely expect more Bade from me in the future!


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